If you have a few minutes to spare.

[deanl]

oops oops oops

[Kev Owens]

You said you wanted truthful opinions so here goes:

The story didn't grab me at any point. I didn't really like the dog attack near the start- I understand the connection, but it just doesn't work for me because my attention just wasn't grabbed by it; which seemed it's only purpose.

You mentioned that the original draft was much shorter- well I think it could benefit from being trimmed dramatically. Most of time is spent trying to convince us that Amy and Joshua could get on so well after just meeting; which I suppose is necessary but it's also boring and still a little unlikely. I had no empathy for any of the characters- which was a big problem.

I suppose my biggest criticism here though is that I think it lacks originality. Plus the way the story is told doesn't offer any new take on the 'curse of the werewolf' tale from centuries ago. My main question is- what's here that hasn't been done many times before?

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ September 14, 2003 04:27 PM: Message edited by: Kev Owens ]</font>

[redlum]

Hi.

I actually read this all the way through, which I dont often feel compelled to do.

It started off well, some kind of locked room metaphor which I thought at first was a bit pretentious given the nature of the early scenes (numb to violence etc), but then it paid off well for the horror reveal. However as I read it, I found the dialogue to be mediocre at best and overly sacharine at times. In fact, there was a point were it felt like a ***** set-up.

OK, Joshua. You seem like a nice
enough guy, and for some strange
reason I'm feeling real
adventuress... Maybe it's the fine
weather or something, I don't know.

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">What was interesting was that my standards on those slipped after I realised the true nature of his cage (I'm very picky about horror). The chest freezer idea is scary. It just seems to me that everything prior to his transformation is just a delay to the reveal, purely to confuse the audience. Similar to 'From Dusk Till Dawn' however in that case the beginning was so good that I never wanted them to go off in the horror direction.

I think that the 'courting' scenes need to be developed. Make them more a part of the final reveal. For example, I know she approaches him but it seems to me that this abduction (or whatever) seems to be a neccessity of his werewolf 'alter-ego'. Then why not make his victim a prostitute? It doesn't have to be seedy either. You could even throw in some real romance (or make the audience think that its present) see Mike Figgis's script for 'Leaving Las Vegas'. Make us **** well like this guy, because at the moment he comes across as kind of cliche, and so does the girl.

Best **** werewolf movie I've seen (ok I haven't seen many) - American Werewolf in London. Now thats a sad film. You dont want him to become the werewolf, and you certainly dont want him to be killed. I admire what you're trying to do. The horror genre is a total wasteland of late (nothing innovative [or not riddled with screaming teenagers] since Blair Witch). I honestly think a prostitute would be a good rod to take, it offers a whole host of interesting dialogue, and is much better than the boy meets girl set up. Which although there for deception, really just seemed like buying time in the cheapest way. Of course maybe you were just trying to *really* screw the audience over and you're a genius.

Edit: Scrap Werewolf in London. Teen Wolf is the best wolf movie ever. You know why? Cause the Werewolf is just a metaphor. In a way the 80's tainted that movie, but its the only decade it would have got made in.

[emjen]

Ok.

Why is he afraid of dogs if he's a ******* werewolf?

I can see why Kev and Redlum said what they said, although I've got a different opinion.

There's magic vs cliche here. Magic: the Voice over in the cage. They would call this his *****on (what is that word anyway?) etc etc.

Cliche: the rest. ALthough not nessecarily. He's afraid of dogs, which I find very interesting. 'A werewolf afraid of dogs? How can that be? He must hate himself!' But, I was wrong, because he wants to be himself as I read in the voice over. Or you're wrong because you haven't really thought much about it.

In this draft I finally began to like Joshua - which worked well. Too bad it was all a big lie - because Joshua is an a-hole who likes to rip apart woman. Although in 'human' state, he doesn't want to. See the contradiction here? This is a plot-hole. Fix it.

What you can do as well (what I also did in my other topic) is completely scrap every scene between your voice overs. Think of what you need to do; set up a relation; let the audience know what he is/who he is; set up climax, etc etc. Then think of all the possible scenes you can imagine with each thing you want in your film. Then pick the best ones.

They meet in a bar; which is kind of cliche. WHy not meet in the zoo itself? They keep talking about it, wouldnt it be more interesting to see Joshuas reaction with the wolves?

The idea is there. I love werewolves. But there are faults to be fixed. I hope I helped.

If you're going to make this into a movie it will be very cool though. I mean, you're an amateur and all that, and you get everything done thats in the script it WILL be very cool. But we're all looking at is as if it is something proffesional.

[deanl]

Hey there.

Thanks for reading guys. Anyone else gonna take a look?

Despin out.

[Kev Owens]

Good man... good to see someone taking [hopefully] constructive criticicm on their work. I think it takes a lot of confidence to put your work on here and ask people to tear it apart [shocking pun]. Hope it helps.

Good luck with it Despin. [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img]

[deanl]

Hey there.

No problem. I have posted a whole bunch of my **** on here in the past. If you're up for a little reading I would love to get some more opinions on my other stuff. I'm always rewriting and find all opinions good or bad a BIG help.

http://www.hostboard.com/cgi-bin/ult...c&f=410&t=4850

http://www.hostboard.com/cgi-bin/ult...c&f=410&t=4808

http://www.hostboard.com/cgi-bin/ult...c&f=410&t=4406

http://www.hostboard.com/cgi-bin/ult...c&f=410&t=4631

http://www.hostboard.com/cgi-bin/ult...c&f=410&t=4487

http://www.hostboard.com/cgi-bin/ult...c&f=410&t=3968

Despin out.

[Sam Gowland]

I'm short on time but i just thought i'd quickly add that i didn't read he was afraid of dogs. I just thought that he made the dogs react that way by being in close proximity - like they could sense his 'true self' or something [img]confused.gif[/img] maybes I read it different to others ...

I quite liked the idea of a 'zoo' location but disagree with the girl being a prostitute. Poor working girls are always getting ripped apart in movies. The boy/girl relationship did bring to mind the 'Thriller'(M.Jackson)video but i've no idea why beyond my mind goes off on a tangent at times lol.

[deanl]

Hey there.

Right cheers. Yeah if you or anyone else has the time I would love o hear your comments on that other stuff. Thanks for reading OptimalStar.

Despin out.

[Kev Owens]

Hey Despin,

I read http://www.hostboard.com/cgi-bin/ult...c&f=410&t=4850 and left some answers to the questions you left, hope it's useful. I'll probably read the rest in after I've done a bit work myself.